I’m not sure how to begin with this. As I’m typing, I don’t even know if I’ll post this or just delete it or let it sit in my drafts.
I haven’t been active on here really at all this year except for a few little moments here and there. I’m not sure how many people noticed. If you have, you’re sweet and I appreciate you. I’d signed out of this blog on the app a few months ago. Deleted it entirely a few weeks ago. So I’m typing this on the desktop site. Like it’s 2014.
2021 was a bad year in a string of bad years. Not entirely. However, it took sharp turns. I met and connected with some wonderful people here who helped me through some rougher moments and made me smile. I also met (remet/reconnected with, to be more specific) someone who completely changed my world and made me feel more seen and understood and hopeful and loved than I have in a very long time. More than ever, actually. But life is complicated and messy and I’ve had those same wonderful feelings shattered. Similar things can be said for 2022, some high points followed by crushing lows. And it’s left me drained. My mental health has been at an all time low. Some people know some of the reasons, but there are multiple. I’ve been struggling a lot and it’s made me a bad friend and not the kind of person I want to be. I’ve allowed my rough patches to turn me into a worse person because I was in pain. And that’s been building up for over a decade.
So. I’m continuing my break from tumblr. For the foreseeable future. Tumblr used to be an escape. A safe place for me. However it hasn’t really felt like that for nearly a year (late September for anyone who wants to do calendar based math). Even when I was actively posting. And now the site gives me anxiety at best and sends me spiraling into sadness and hopelessness at worst. I don’t know if I’ll be back. But I thought that in 2016 too and after a year I came back, albeit with a changed blog name. So. Who knows.
I’m sorry to the people who have tried to reach out over the past few months who never got a response. Anxiety and depression are terrible beasts. I never intended to ignore anyone, I’ve just needed to be more in my own bubble to heal and haven’t had much energy.
@painted-golden my love specifically, since I know you might be worried, I promise I’ll respond soon. I haven’t meant to let this long go by without it. I’m ok, just, not in a good place.
I’m not sure why I’m typing this. I suppose I wanted something more concrete up. Something I can pin while I’m away.
I’ll miss you while I’m away. But I need to finally heal and improve and cobble together a life I can actually be content with. Be someone younger me would be proud of. She deserved so much better.
So, farewell for now. I hope to see you all again soon.
